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WALKER. STREET & DOOUTTLE ^^^ 

NEW YORK ^ i. 



THE MASTER 
OF THE "PIFFLE 



A PSYCHOLOGICAL PHANTASMAGORIA 
IN FIVE SCREAMS AND A KICK. 



INCLUDING AN ANCIENT AZTEC 
FORMULA FOR SCIENTIFIC TREAT- 
MENT OF INTERNAL TROUBLES. 



By LIND C. DOYLE. jR. 






Copyright, 1914 
By Jeromb Lewis Roberts 



JUL --9 1314 

©CI.A376630 



To the Memory 

of 

Hon. STEPHEN A. DOUGLAS 

A Senator from Illinois 

"Whenever you recognize the rirht of a President 
to say to a member of Congress, 'Vote as I tell you' 
or I will bring a power to bear against you at home 
which will crush you' you destroy the independence 
of the representative and convert him into a tool 
of the Executive power. I resisted this invasion of 
the Constitutional rights of a Senator, and I intend 
to resist it as long as I have a voice to speak or 
a vote to give". 

(Speech at Alton, Oct., 15, 1858) 



ASPIRATION. 

"His gentle spirit rolls, in the melody of souls 
"Which is pretty, but I don't know what it means." 



APOLOGY. 

''When 'Onicr smote 'is hloouiin Lyre 
" 'E'd 'eard men sing by land and sea 

"And ivot 'E thought 'E might require 
"'£ zvent an' took — the same as me. 

(Kipling.) 



CONTENTS 



SCREAM 1— Diplomatic Ideals 

By The Beaver 

SCREAM II— Psychological Democracy 

By The Bellman 

SCREAM III— Peons and Pills 

By The Bellman 

SCREAM IV— BoojuMS and Sneeks 

By The Bellman 

SCREAM V— The New Freedom 

By The Bellman 

A KICK— Addressed to the American Citizen 

By The Author 



PREFACE. 

The author cannot escape an acknowl- 
edgment of his debt to the late Lewis 
Carroll for much of the machinery and 
symbolism of this work. "The Master of 
the Tiffle'" like "The Hunting of the 
Snark" is an attempt to provoke serious 
political thought under cover of "non- 
sense verse." Credit should also be given 
to a well known Talking Machine Com- 
pany for the Musical Medley in Scream 
IV. 

Some explanation of the Ancient Az- 
tec Formula may be desired. In 
spite of the Bellman's confident assertion 
of its simplicity, the lay reader will 
find it better to "accept it in prin- 
ciple" and ignore trivial details. The 



principle demonstrated (a-]^b-\-c=o) is 
sufficient. 

The Formula itself should be read mus- 
ically and diplomatically, passing over 
important points as lightly as possible. 

The dash (— ) should be read always 
"wm?«"— all temptations to the contrary 
notwithstanding. 

It has been questioned whether, in the 
equation ''21—D—n', the ''21" should be 
emphasized (like the h in Hades) or si- 
lent (like the p in Psychology). Un- 
doubtedly the best way is to read it over 
twice, emphasizing the '*2i guns" (like 
Hades) the first time, and only enunciat- 
ing the second term of the equation the 
second. In the same Scream the word 
''brandeised" should be pronounced in 
three syllables and with the long i. 



The only originality claimed is the ne- 
bulous lucidity in which a semi-occult but 
Crystalline Psychology is draped. 

Another word. The author stands 
sponsor for no unauthorized interpreta- 
tions of this ''pome." All such are at 
readers risk. 

L. C. DOYLE, JR. 



SCREAM I. 



DIPLOMATIC IDEALS 



The good "Piffle" lay in the bight of the 
bay 

With her colors afloat at her peak ; 

She was purely bedight, in dazzling white, 

Adorned with a fine Yellow Streak. 



The Master of the "Piffle' 



On deck lay a Beaver who peacefully 

snoozed, ' 

His head, fossilif'rous and fat. 

Adorned with (the only adornment he 
used) 

A richlv embroidered Cocked Hat. 



A tremulous torrent of words to the face 

The slumbering Beaver awoke 

And, promptly chatauquing (with pon- 
derous grace), 

In piffulous accents he spoke. 
lO 



Diplomatic Ideals 

"Come listen to me," said the Beaver, in 
glee, 

"While I tell the infallible signs 

That the Piffle is sailed by the Bellman 
and me 

On loftiest statesmanlike lines. 



We run her on Rhomboids, we run her 
on Reefs, 

On Romance and Rhetoric rare, 

We run her by meeting political griefs 



With figments of frozen Hot Air. 



II 



The Master of the "Piffle" 

Whenever the Bellman performs on his 
bell 

Or issues commands to the crew, 

The Lobsters emit an admiring yell 

Of 'Isn't that perfectly true.' 

The Royal device which our owner has 
planned 

And considers remarkably fit 

Is 'Dirigo,' meaning, as I understand, 

In popular phrase, T am It.' 

12 



Diplomatic Ideals 

But the power which casts such a won- 
derful spell 

And shows his remarkable worth 

Is the ease of his pose while he's ringing 
his bell 

In every language on earth. 

To establish his power of standing alone 

He makes his linguistics complete 

By using a language entirely unknown 

But which sounds irresistibly sweet. 
13 



The Master of the *'Piffle" 

When weather is thick, he's simply a brick 
And the crew are convinced all is well 

When he writes in the log, 'This ain't 
much of a fog' 

And calmly performs on his bell. 



His Convictions are real — made of Pvub- 
ber and steel — 

But elusive and spry like a frog 

And he covers their gist with a luminous 
mist 

Like a biograph shown in a fog. 
14 



Diplomatic Ideals 
[lis lofty Ideals are frequently backed 

By a change in political Creeds 
And a modification of statements of fact 



To suit Argumentative needs. 



His diplomacy frail, wears a nebulous 
veil, 

Being sinuous, wavy and neat. 

So it easily takes in a Tenpenny Nail 

And turns out a Corkscrew complete. 
15 



The Master of the 'Tiffle" 

And next you should know of his 'Diet of 
Crow' " 

(Here the Beaver broke off with a sob) 

"He handed a Hat to an Eminent foe 

And gave him a Cabinet Job. 

In diplomacy, industry, finance, or war 

He can thread the most intricate maze, 

Each threatening crisis he calmly will 
floor 

By a highly felicitous phrase. 
l6 



Diplomatic Ideals 

While quite without flaw, in respect for 
the law, 

Constitutions are wax in his hands. 

Though he knows that of course he's 
bound to enforce 

Constitutions in neighboring lands. 



In Foreign Relations his method is sound, 

It convinces, delights and allures; 

It is simply to send his chief officer 'round 

On lucrative lecturing tours. 
17 



The Master of the "Piffle" 

I'm sorry to notice it's growing so late, 
For I've an appointment to treat 

For Riparian Rights on Occasions of State 
With a trader who Uves up the street. 

I know that the Monster of Money will 
jeer, 

But it's awfully hard" (here a sigh) 

"To live on a meagre twelve thousand a 
year, 

With living so horribly high." 
i8 



SCREAM 11. 

PSYCHOLOGICAL DEMOCRACY 

"He may come with a Toga or come with a 
Mace 

He may come with a grouch or a grin, 

With snowy lace curtains adorning his 
face 

Or a lambrequin under his chin. 



19 



The Master of the "Piffle" 

But if there's a character which I detest 

(I'm perfectly wilHng to own) 

It is that pestilential pestiferous pest 

From Missouri, who 'wants to be 
shown.' 

A crew that was anxious to live at its ease 

Or was made of the genuine stuff, 

Would give a submissive and synchronous 
sneeze 

Whenever its Bellman took snuff. 
20 



Psychological Democracy 

The function of followers is to be led 
And hence it is no one's concern 

If I choose to go backward at **full speed 
ahead" 
Or forward at ''full speed astern." 



If I happen to spread all the canvass be- 
low 

And stow all the cargo aloft 

It's sufficient to murmur ''He surely must 
know" 

And you cannot repeat it too oft. 

21 



The Master of the "Piffle" 

There's a high moral maxim that's true if 
not trite 

And can be controverted by none. It 

Is not *'He has done it because it is right" 

But "Its right just because he has done 
it." 

This talk of adjourning I'm sorry to learn, 
It approaches insurgency's border. 

The one proper time for a crew to adjourn 
Is just when I give it the order. 

22 



Psychological Democracy 
I feel that my crew is sturdy and true 

When leisure's allowed for reflection 
And only just now has it started a row 

(To the best of my own recollection). 

'Twill quickly discover the meat in the 

When I flourish my whip o'er its head 

Oh, its lovely to see it just sit up and beg 

Or calmly lie down and play dead. 
23 



The Master of the "Piffle" 

Vox Populi (so it has often been said) 

Is exactly the same as Vox Dei 

But for practical purposes (don't be mis- 
led) 



A far safer reading" is Mei. 



I know the conspiracy up in New York 

At your peril you aid or abet it, 

For whenever it comes to dispensing of 
Pork 

Vox Populi's mine. Don't forget it. 
24 



Psychological Democracy 

This Merchant's Conspiracy is, I'm afraid, 
Deep-rooted. For what do I see? 

A failure for forty-four million is made 
Expressly to irritate me. 

They may gloom, glower, glimmer with 
glances morose 

Or squeal till it echoes and thrills, 

Fm simply determined to give 'em a dose 

Of my Patent Political Pills. 
25 



The Master of the "Piffle" 

When Psychology gives them a pain in 
their necks 

And insolvents are praying for fires, 

They've only to get psychological checks 

From pure psychological buyers. 

A Fact'ry, ignoring all "mights, woukls or 
coulds," 

When it stands on Insolvenc3''s borders, 

Should busily make psychological goods 

On fine psychological orders. 
26 



Psychological Democracy 

When psychology's turning his black 
locks to gray 

And cares thro' his harried head hurtle, 

The workman on gay ps3^chological pay 

Will eat psychological turtle. 

With cheerful psychology raising their 
rates 

The Roads, gaily waving their flippers. 

Will gleefully haul psychological freights 

From glad psychological shippers. 
27 



The Master of the "Piffle" 

As a fruit of this pure psychological trance 

Hens will lay psychological Eggs, 

Hypothetical Hebrews will make misty 
pants 

For pure psychological legs. 



To the Purpose of Providence always I'm 
priv- 

Y and (showing I'm fitted to lead 'em) 

A Boom to the Big Business Interests I'll 
give 

In My New Constitution of Freedom. 
28 



Psychological Democracy 

But one final fact I wish to relate, 

(Though you may consider it funny), 

The most psychological Servant of State 
Won't take psychological money. 

And then I have fears (here he melted in 
tears) 

I've even a horrible hunch 

That the Boojum is free, and preparing for 
me 

No mere psychological punch. 
29 





FORMULA. 




Assume b 


b 
= — ana a ^=^-r- 
a 






. ^ = c IF .1' — y = 


- <v 


Transpose 


.1- — ^ = 3; 




. 


•. (if a- =/)/> = 


q 




ajid V.r = n 




Restate if 


c — ,t' = ^ and zv" 


3= u 


/ 


' (ab-\-c) pdq. 




Unstate if 


a — b 

— hr 1 T 




^ — p,v -]- / 


? 


21 — D—n 




Mi state if 


tan {^ — c) <cos 


(.y) 


Coneliision 


A -^ B + C =:0 





30 



SCREAM III. 



PEONS AND PILLS 



"You may rouse me with metaphors, mag- 



gots and mice 



Or with quirks, quibbles, quillets and 
quills 

But surely there's nothing so thoroughly 
nice 

As a Passion for Peons and Pills. 
31 



The Master of the "Piffle" 
I jiever was born, to Mentally Mourn 

O'er mere Psychological griefs 
But in agony deep, I incessantly weep 

When I think of the Mexican fiefs. 

A Remedy which many years I have kept 

Would cure all these Mexican ills 

If the petulant peons would only accept 

My Patent Political Pills. 
32 



Peons and Pills 

You may take them in tariffs or take them 
in tolls 

For National fevers or chills 

Since germs of decadence are murdered in 
shoals 

By these Patent Political Pills. 

I make them of Maxims transcendently 
wise 

I mix them in Mist (slightly wet) 

Then add some Ideals (with capital I's 

And the very best Deals I can get.) 
33 



The Master of the "Piffle" 

A flavor of Dreams, such as poets have j 
hymned 

A measure of Conscience (Refined) 

And a trace of Ambition, tenaciously 
trimmed, 

With a passion for Serving Mankind. ! 

This recipe's only intended for minds 

Of a high intellectual sort, 

But I've made out (for people of Com- 
moner kinds) 

A Formula simple and short. 

See note at end of Scream. j 

34 i 

i 
i 



Peons and Pills 

No mere lack of culture unfits you to 
tread 

I The maze of this sweet syllogism 

Its Perfectly Plain if you stand on your 
Head 

And look at the thing through a prism. 

And surgeons have said that when care- 
fully read 

This Cryptic and Crystalline Thesis 

' Brings Bats to the Belfry or Wheels to 

the Head 

And produces Perceptive Paresis. 

35 



The Master of the "Piffle' 



h 

For b= — it is plain 
a 





Then &=f, (a remarkable gain) 
When X — 3'=^. 

Transposing it x — ^=3' 

And, (if .r equal unity.) then 

If pzzzq it is evident why 
yx—n 



36 



Peons aivd Pills 

Restating: If c=x — ^ 

And zv^^^u 

The point is how shall u determine the 
value 

Of {ab-{-c) pdq. 



Unstating if - — ^ 

=pA'-\-nuity then 

(So the formula runs) Are 21 guns 

Worth a Tin Merchant's D — n? 
37 



The Master of the "Piffle" 

Mis-stating: If tan (^ — e) 

<Cos. (y) 

You can easily see that Grapejuice and 
Tea 

Are the best Coefficients for Pie. 



This Formula — (work of the labor of 
years) 

May show, (as I grieve to admit) 

As a final result — (here he burst into 
tears) 

That A B & C = nit 
38 



Peons and Pills 

I play it in Persian, I paint it in Pink 

I solve it in Swedish and Spanish ; 

In Aztec, which one would assuredly 
think 

Would cause apprehension to vanish. 

But the moral effect on Niagara Park 

Might be (and it troubles me much) 

That the Bandersnatch could'nt get hold 
of the Snark 

Which would certainly put it in Dutch. 
39 



The Master of the "Piffle" 

I hold the Snark guilty of arson and rape 

I chafe him with anxious alarms 

I tempt him with Truces and tie him with 
Tape 

While sending the Bandersnatch arms.. 

(My idea of an Armistice, let me remark 

Is a vision of beauty and grace, 

Its simply to muzzle the jaws of the Snark 

While the Bandersnatch scratches his 
face). 

40 



Peons and Pills 

I am not so deeply in ignorance sunk 

As to think that a horrid Deceiver 

Like a Snark, can compete when he's 
thoroughly drunk 

With a sober intelligent Beaver. 

He'll fan him with figments factitiously 
spun 

Of fictions and foibles and frills 

He'll offer him doses of t6 to i 

And my Patent Political Pills. 
41 



The Master of the "Piffle" 

'Tis hard to sit silent and Watchfully 
Wait 

But I grudge not the labor or tears 

For it shows to the World, Who's inher- 
ently great 

(A thing I've suspected for years) 

Then seemed to be borne by a northerly 
gale 

As the mainsail filled out with a flap 

A whisper which made the poor Bellman 
turn pale 

"The Beaver is pushed off the map" — 
42 



Peons and Pills 

"I cannot believe it," he shrieked in af- 
fright 

'Twould blast the Ideals of years, 

Its only some hideous vision of night 

Compounded of grape juice and sneers. '* 

Like the nightmare (which gives me a 
horrible pain 

And makes me unable to flee) 

That the Boojum is back from the Wed- 
ding in Spain 

To dispense what is coming to me. 



Note.— The expression "6 = — should be 

read "b equals b over a" and V^=«, "the 
square root of x equals n". 

Tan ($ — c) and Cos (v) are "tangent of 
Phi minus c" and * Cosine of y", respectively. 

The sign < reads "is less than". 

43 



SCREAM IV. 



BOOJUMS AND SNEERS 



You may rouse me with Grapejuice or 
rouse me with squills, 

May move me to laughter or tears ; 

I'll still have a passion for peons and pills 

And horror, of Boojums and Sneers. 



44 



1 



BoojUMS AND Sneers 

My Personal mien, toward 1916 

Is modest, receptive and free. 

If the Boojum should fling his Hat in the 
ring 

Who knows what would happen to me? 

Whenever I see a Dentiferous Grin 

With a bellicose beam in its eye 

My current of courage grows thready and 
thin 

And I feel unaccountably shy. 
45 



The Master of the "Piffle" 

From visions of night I wake in affright 

As the Boojum oiitgrabes on the heath 

And moonbeams which shine with a sil- 
very light 

Refract from his Eminent Teeth 

Last evening I woke with a horrified 
shout 

**Oh Boojum why haste 3''e to roam 

In searching for dubious Rivers of Doubt 

When I've perfect Oceans at home." 

46 



! 



BoojUMS AND Sneers 

Whenever he makes his Triumphant Re- 
turns 

From junketings over the sea 

The heart in my bosom indignantly burns 

At the Personal Insult to Me. 

When I hear the Earth shake to his pon- 
derous tread 
Or his Smile gleams athwart of my 
hawse 

My tongue stands erect on the top of my 
head 

And my Similes stick to my jaws. 

47 



The Master of the "Piffle'' 

If ever I sit up especially late 
Or am feeling remarkably blue, 

I seem to remember the Baker's sad fate 
And his horrible shriek : — ''Its a Boo — " 

I bathe him in bathos, I bait him with 
bread 

I treat him with treacle and toffee ; 

But I cannot escape a delirious dread 

That he may take a Third Cup of 
Coffee. 

48 



BoojuMs AND Sneers 

He fills me with woes though he certainly 
knows 

That purest pneumatics I preach 

From the time of the Prince known as 
Louis the Quince 

To Louis the brandeised Peach. 

But I keep my bell ringing whatever be- 
tides 

In mellifluous figures of speech 

Like a disc that has music on both of its 
sides 

And a different record on each. 

49 



The Master of the "Piffle" 

Its natural charm and perfection of tone 
(In which all admit it excels) 

Has the stately sonority of the Trombone 
And the clearness of Orchestra Bells. 



Now, the trill of the Piccolo, birdlike and | 
thin 

Or the tremulous sound of the lute 

And again blending sweetly the vague 
violin 

With the low dulcet voice of the flute 
50 



BoojUMS AND Sneers 

'Tis only one Bell and one Bellman and 
yet 

We range in our neophyte knell 

From the pure golden tone of the cheerful 
Cornet 

To the Orchestra's marvellous swell. 

Yet, (isn't it hard?) he plays in my yard 

Without the least thought of apology 

And I hear him insist that his ponderous 
fist 

Will knock the ''sigh" out of Psycho- 
logy. 

51 



The Master of the "Piffle" 

When I'm seeking Specifics both simple 
and sure 

For woes which our finances fetter 

And doubt whether Metaphor, mingled or j 

pure 

Or strong striking Similes better. 



And the Monster of Money I'm ready to 
bind 

With my thoughts soaring high and 
yet higher 

And there comes on the wings of the 
Whispering Wind 

A word sounding something like L'yie. 
52 



BoojUMs AND Sneers 

I know that the Boojnm (Ah, there is the 
rub) 

While singing his popular song 

Is electing some Dub to the Scriptural 
Club 

Which he runs while he does not be- 
long. 

I envy the sailors who fight, bleed and die 

F'or two hundred dollars a year, 

For the bullet is easier far to defy 

Than the subtle and sibilant sneer. 
53 



SCREAM V. 



THE NEW FREEDOM 



I quote them from Pindar, I quote them 
from Paul 

From Malthus, Ricardo and Mill 

I move them with motives and metaphors 
—all 

Constructed with infinite skill. 



54 



The New Freedom 

But if ever Imperative Laws I demand 
For Personal Reasons of State 

Some insolent Senator's sure to arise 
Insisting on useless debate. 

I rouse them with Rhetoric, Ruffles and 
Rice 

I move them to mirth and to sobs. 

I offer them highly Judicious Advice 

(Relating to Government Jobs). 
55 



The Master of the "Piffle" 

But they talk about Commerce and Cab- 
bage and Corn 

Of Banking and Business and Pork, 

Of Conspirators lorn, who Mentally 
Mourn 

In the purlieus of lower New York. 

What are sickness and health, unemploy- 
ment or wealth 

Prosperity, Profits or Freights 

(And the Beaver replied, in an accent of 
pride 

"They are mere Psychological States"). 

56 



The New Freedom 

But the Bellman continued "This country 
of ours 

Should really, I've frequently said, 

Vest all of its diffr'ent co-ordinate powers 

In an Able Responsible Head." 

Then Congress, eschewing all Futile De- 
bate 

Would send Me a statement of fact 

I'd adjourn it, and then it would watch- 
fully Wait 

Till I told it what laws to enact. 
57 



The Master of the "Piffle" 

With infinite skill, a suitable bill 

I'd promptly and carefully draw 

And this I would send — without right to 
amend — 

For speedy enactment in law. 



I should write it in Sanskrit or write it in 
Dutch 

, (Both easily at my command) 

Or in some other one of the languages 
such 

As our Congressmen don't understand. 

58 



The New Freedom 

Should they venture to offer a captious 
complaint 

That my meaning was quite out of 
reach 

I'd soothe 'em with quillets, quixotic and 
quaint 

In mellifluous figures of speech. 

Undoubtedly then it would go to the 
Senate 

Who, tactfully loath to offend 

Would ask (with a moan) o'er the Presi- 
dent's 'phone 

If the President wished to amend. 

59 



The Master of the "Piffle" 

If I didn't say ''crush it"; They surely 
would rush it 

And send it to me to be signed 

And this, it is true, I should probably do 

Unless I had altered my mind. 



But should there be sound, constitutional 
ground 

For doubt that the Courts could en- 
force, 



The Judge would agree to refer it to me ^ 

And I'd cheerfully tell him of course. 
60 



The New Freedom 

This method is slow, and cumbrous 1 
know 

I could shorten, Improve and Refine it 

Should I quietly draw, the requisite law 

And simply but formally sign it. 

In its libellous, laxative, license — the 
Press 

Is a menace to true liberty 

And the cure (I am really obliged to con- 
fess) 

Is to leave the v/hole business to me. 
6i 



The Master of the "Piffle" 



A courage I'll need, you will see at a 



glance 



Which never turns backward or halts," 

(And the Crab and the Crawfish came for- 
ward to dance 

A meticulous Mexican Waltz). 



62 



A "KICK". 

TO THE AMERICAN CITIZEN. 

'Tis said, at his worst, King Charley the 
First 

Demanded but this of his nation : 

No Christians or Jews should dissent from 
his views 

And He should control legislation. 



The Fathers who founded this nation of 
ours 

(To prevent usurpations and treasons) 

Established co-ordinate separate powers 

For good, sound and permanent reasons. 

63 



The Master of the "Piffle" 

"Old Man Knowall" 'tis clear, was buried 
last year 

And unless you'd be laid on the shelf 

As a citizen gay of this great U. S. A. 

Do some Unwaitful Watching, yourself. 



HERE ENDETH THE FIRST INNING. 



64 



At wholesale 

J. L. ROBERTS 

1487 Eatt^th Street 

Brooklyn. N. Y. 
Apply by letter only. 



